


Dreams

by heycait



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is Human, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sam Knows, Season 9 AU, cas in the bunker, recall of the crypt scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 08:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5199875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heycait/pseuds/heycait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean doesn't kick Cas out of the bunker. Sam isn't possessed by Gadreel and is getting better. </p>
<p>Cas is human and adjusting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams

One thing that Cas truly enjoyed while he was human was sleeping. The silence and neutrality of it was welcomed. It served as a chance to forget his problems; the angels and monsters plaguing the earth fading to black for a few hours, but more so his mind was silent for that duration. When he was an angel, thought was never a constant. He could shut it off and meditate for hours, days even, as long as he wanted to. But as a human, thought was a continuous, distracting thing. And sleep was as close to angelic serenity as he could get.

So he took it whenever and opportunity rose. Whenever he felt his posture slump and his eyes start to droop, he never fought it, unless it especially necessary. He fell asleep in the impala, in his small garden outside the bunker.  
Dean found him slumped against a bookshelf in the bunker library once, book in hand and mouth open, soft snores filling the otherwise empty air. Dean always woke him and guided his sleep pliant form to his bedroom, tucking him in when he thought he would already be asleep and not remember. He remembered.  
Sleeping was always an escape for Cas, and that held true for a 3 glorious months.

~*~ 

Cas wakes up sweating and gasping, a scream at the back of his throat, the last visual images of his nightmare leaving him, but the feeling staying. He could still feel the black goo dripping down his body and hear the leviathan’s laughter in his head. He feels his breath start to pick up and his heart beat quicken. It’s a panic attack, he remembers Dean having these after his return from hell. He remembers watching, silent and unseen, as Dean suffered through his deep breathing exercises and choked tears, wanting to help but not knowing how. So he tries the same breathing techniques. In, 2, 3 and out, 2, 3 he counts. But he can’t calm himself. His breath is racked, his chest burns, and the wetness on his cheeks feels heavy and gross. It reminds him of the Leviathan’s grip on his body and that sends him deeper into his mind, into this panic. He bolts to a sitting position and violently rubs the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to will the tears away and get his lungs to cooperate. 

Someone grabs his shoulder and Cas whips around, eyes wide and terrified, expecting to be berated for something he did wrong. But he’s met with green instead. Green eyes that look worried and scared and confused. And suddenly the grip on his shoulder isn’t intruding but comforting. Dean half shouts his name, trying to get his attention and how long has he been there? How long has Dean been repeating his name, trying in vain to get his attention? 

“Dean?” Cas’ own voice sounds choked and rougher than his usual gruff tone. He’s still struggling to even out his breathing and anything more than one word responses are just not going to happen.

“Yeah, man, it’s me.” Dean says, concern lacing his words. “Look, Cas, you gotta calm down.” Dean slowly reaches for Cas’ elbows urging him to stand. Cas goes willingly, a little wobbly from lack of oxygen but Dean holds him upright. “Good, okay, put your hands on your head and keep your elbows out.” Cas nods and does as he’s told. “Okay, look at me, buddy. Eye contact and deep breaths. Ready? Stay with me.” Dean starts with a deep breath in and pushing it out, exaggerating his facial expressions. When Cas breaths in its shaky, and the out breath is quick and forceful. 

Dean continues to talk Cas threw the attack until he finally calms down. His eyes are still leaking but it no longer feels dirty and he’s a little light headed, but now that he can somewhat think straight, he knows that that’s expected after panic attacks. He sits down on the couch. Couch? He must have fallen asleep in the living room. And the clock on the wall says 3:30, whether it’s A.M or P.M is lost to him. 

Dean sits down next to him and Cas instantly leans his head on his shoulder, seeking comfort. Dean accepts it and pulls him close.

Dean remembers what it’s like to have panic attacks. He remembers wishing someone was there to help him through the fear and frustration that came with his episodes. So he sits and waits. Waits for Cas to make the first move because Dean can’t bare the though of saying the wrong thing. He always says the wrong thing.

They’re quite for awhile. No one really knowing the right thing to say and not wanting to break the fragile peace that surrounded them. 

Cas is the first to speak up, his throat sore and voice quiet. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”  
“No, man, it’s like 4 in the afternoon.” Dean replies, forcing his voice to remain light and carefree.

Cas sits up and rubs the goop out of his eyes. He’s stopped crying and now his eyes are dry and itchy. He wipes a hand over his face and groans. “I’m going to take a shower.” Dean just nods and says “I’ll be here.” Cas gets up to leave and before he leaves the room he stops and turns to look at Dean. “Um, thanks for… y’know.” Since he became human, communication with Dean has become somewhat strained. He’s not stupid; he knows it’s because of his feelings toward that other man. He’s not ashamed of them and he doesn’t particularly try to hide them. But he doesn’t know how Dean would react to said feelings so he mostly keeps them to himself. Though he has inkling that Sam knows. 

So he leaves before Dean has a chance to respond.

As soon as Cas is out of sight Dean leans forward and lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Sam took that moment to walk in, “What’s up with you?” Dean just grunts and Sam goes to sit on the other side of the couch, studying his brother.

After a moment of silence Sam says “Did you talk to Cas yet?”

“Dude!”

“What?” Sam laughs; they had talked about Dean’s feelings for Cas before, albeit reluctantly from Dean’s side, and decided that it was time for Dean to come clean to Cas because Sam just couldn’t take the tension that loitered whenever Dean and Cas were in the same room, especially while he’s still recovering from the trials. He’s dealt with them tiptoeing around each other for the past like 5 years and he’s done. 

“I’m gonna tell him, just not yet, he’s … he’s not ready too here it.”

“or –“

“Don’t say it, Sam” Dean warns.

Sam smiles, finding childlike joy in teasing his brother. “You’re chicken shit.”

Dean gives him a bitchface that rivals his own but Sam just laughs. “I’m going to take a nap, I’m tired of your shit” he jokes as he gets up and leaves the room. 

“Did you eat?” Dean yells before Sam’s out of ear shot. 

“Yup!”

And just like that Dean’s alone again. It’s almost 6, to early for bed, so he makes himself and Cas something to eat and heads to his room to catch up on reading Game of Thrones. 

He knocks on Cas’ door and hears a faint come in.

Cas is sitting in his bed, his hair still laying flat and wet on his head, legs crossed and tucked under him, reading a book. “Hey, man, got you some food.” Cas looks up and gives Dean a small smile, “Thank you, Dean.” Dean can’t help but smile back because, god, is Cas’ face gorgeous. “No problem.” Dean reaches up to scratch the back of his neck and Cas looks up at him curiously. “Is there something you wanted?” Dean quickly vetoes his confession and looks away. “No, just … If you need anything, I’m right across the hall.” Dean says, awkwardly backing out of the room. He goes to close the door but he hears a “Dean?” from inside the room so he opens the door back up, hope bubbling in his chest. “Yeah, Cas?”

“Leave the door cracked, please.”

And that’s just how Dean’s life is. He puts on a smile and half chuckles to himself, “No problem, man.” and leaves for his room. 

*~*

_“Do it now, Castiel,” Naomi demands._

_“No, I won’t hurt Dean,” Cas replies, going back and forth between Heaven and Earth, Naomi and Dean. He gets sucked back to earth and punches Dean again. He holds his angel blade, ready to strike, but Dean looks up at him, face bloody, swollen, and bruised. “I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Cas...” Dean's voice breaks, pleading. “It’s me. We’re family. We need you… I need you.”_

_He gets pulled back to Heaven, Naomi calmly orders “You have to choose, Castiel… us or them.”_

_Then he’s back in the crypt, but not in his vessel. He’s not controlling his grace or his borrowed body. He’s viewing the scene like an outsider. Like an invisible bystander, forced to watch._

_And what he sees is himself, his face is void of emotion, cold and empty. He’s standing over Dean, who is kneeling, begging to get through to him, his Cas._

_Everything happens too quickly and next thing he knows, there’s a blade through Dean’s chest._

When he wakes up this time there’s no panic, no gasping for air, no fear, only guilt, sadness, and silent tears. 

He roles to his back and rubs the goopy sleep from his eyes. He lays there for a while, contemplating his options. He could; A) lie alone in his dark room and stew in his self loathing. B) try to go back to sleep(which probably won’t happen easily) or C) go to Dean. 

The decision is easy, really.

So he gets up and throws on a t-shirt he borrowed (stole) from Sam and sweat pants he borrowed (stole) from Dean and crosses the hall to Dean’s room.  
The door is agar so he lets himself in and Dean is laying there, soft snores filling the room. Cas sits on the edge of the bed and pokes Dean’s shoulder. It takes a few tries but Dean finally wakes. He squints up at Cas, confused and sleepy. “Cas? Wha... what’s up?”

Cas’ deep voice rumbles through the quiet, “Dean, may I sleep on your floor tonight?” 

“Sleep on my floor?”

“Yes.”

“Why on earth do you want to sleep on my floor?” Dean sounds even more confused than before, his voice still rough from sleep but becoming clearer.

The pressure behind Cas’ eyes increases at the thought of his dream, “Um…” he pauses and tries to clear his throat. “I had another uh… dream and I just …” His voice cracks and fresh tears creep down his face. 

Dean’s quick to respond. He pulls the blankets back and scoots to one side of his bed. “Of course, man, but you don’t have to sleep on the floor.”

Cas doesn’t look up at him, just lays down and huddles close to Dean’s side, head pillowed on his chest and hand placed timidly on his abdomen. “Is this okay?” he asks quietly. 

“Perfect” Dean answers, so quiet that the only reason Cas heard it was because the room is quiet and he’s right there. 

The silence of the bunker creeps back up and finds a comfortable space around the two men.

They both slowly start to drift back to sleep, until a thought plants itself in Castiel’s head. He never told Dean about the extent of Naomi’s brainwashing.  
“I chose you.”

Dean startles at the sudden sound. “Hm?”

Cas pulls away to look at Dean in the eyes, his beautiful green eyes. And then he decides to tell him everything. He deserves to know. 

“In Lucifer’s crypt, Naomi, she was ordering me to kill you. She trained me, conditioned me. I lost count of how many clones of you that she had me kill.” His voice cracks at the confession, but he needs to say this. “When I was... attacking you, the real you, she gave me an ultimatum. Them or you.” 

Dean’s quiet, trying to process the information. Cas continues on, “I was going to kill you Dean, I –“ He’s cut off by a choked sob escaping his throat.  
Dean pulls him closer, hushing him and whispering quiet reassurances. He remembers that day clearly, too clearly if he has any say in it. A million things are rushing through his head, a billion words he can say, wants to say. 

“I love you.”

Dean stops abruptly, no. Well, yes, but that’s not what he meant to say. 

What he wanted to say was I chose you too but somehow, his mouth thought the former was more appropriate.

And Cas freezing up beside him and staring blankly at Dean’s quickly reddening face doesn’t help at all.

But then Cas does the most amazing thing, he smiles, all teeth and gums and Dean can’t help but smile too. Because yeah, he loves Cas.  
Cas cradles Dean face with his hand and leans his forehead against Dean’s. 

“I love you too.”

And like that, a weight was lifted of his chest. Castiel loves him. His Cas. 

“Say it again” Dean’s voice is soft and quiet. Cas leans up and presses a gentle kiss to Dean’s forehead “I love you” He moves to Dean’s right cheek. “I love you” and his left “I love you.” 

The kiss Cas places on his lips releases a surge of emotion he didn’t know he was holding back. When Dean kisses back, he does it with force. Cas’ lips are chapped and his scruff is scratchy against his face but he doesn’t care because he’s kissing Cas and that’s all he’s wanted for god knows how long. 

When they separate, Cas curls into Dean’s side again and sighs, contented. Dean leans down and kisses the top of Cas’ hair. 

“I love you too, Castiel.”

He can feel Cas smile against his chest and nuzzle closer. And Dean smiles, genuine and bright, and falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This is old but i hope you guys like it.
> 
> My tumblr -> deanwinc_heller.tumblr.com


End file.
